I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
