He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
