I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
