im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
