literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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