The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
His nipple licking is glorious
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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