i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
