my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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