WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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