the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
