If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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