Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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