better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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