video games are the ultimate cock blocker
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
