Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
