i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
