I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize