Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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