Jerry, you need to find god
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
