I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
