Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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