: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
