She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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