i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
