I can't watch pbs sober anymore
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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