My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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