When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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