you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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