Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
