proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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