Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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