i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
