my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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