so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
