dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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