The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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