Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
