Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
