When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Pants are for mortals
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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