So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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