Don't make out with my wife yet
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
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