what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize