I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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