I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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