He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
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