Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
