if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
