i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
