He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I forget how to act sober
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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