Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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