EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
