I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
