Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
