What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Randomize
