omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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