I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The air was thick with penises
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
