sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
