I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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